When I left off I'd broken up with the fat chick and was on to another. We'll call her Titty Monster (38 DDD). Serious titties. She was clearly hot once upon a time. But her looks had faded. Her titties however were like what I hope Robinson Canoe will reveal this year. The greats hang in. The rest of her was fine but the titties were the part that got my attention. We dated for 2 years and then lived together for a third. When we dated the relationship was great. I'd go over there on the weekends, she'd cook great food and ride my dick while i played with her lovely titties. All was well.
Further she had some life partner candidate credentials. She was smart, made good money and had similar values. I've got a soft spot. But I'm a real practical fucker to the point some people get turned off or their feelgood nonsense turns me off. Titty Monster was right there with me while exhibiting a fun side and a good sense of humor. Also, she was eager to please in all facets. Sexually and otherwise she was willing to accommodate a lot.
I usually stopped by the SC on the way over to her house. I live in an area where there's lots of spots with no cover so its no big deal to pop in for a beer and be out. The SC got me in the state I wanted to be in before going over. It made me feel relaxed, assertive and powerful. These were all feelings I was having trouble accessing at the time since I was still hurt by the hot bitch who dumped me in law school.
I moved in with Titty Monster since we were having a good time. Now let me just say, I highly recommend moving in for a while before marriage. When you live together she's always there and things that aren't a big deal or you don't even notice become a big deal. Weekends with a woman you're dating are almost like the SC. Its not the whole reality of the woman just her fun side. Living together is where you get to know the whole person.
Titty Monster was too controlling and uptight. She called my therapist and left a voicemail message on his machine that I drank too much. She made me quit drinking for a month. I do drink more than a doctor would recommend. But I've never gotten a DUI or anything like that and further I'm healthy physically (mentally may be up for debate I suppose). At any rate this bitch was up my ass and it was too much.
At one point I said to her, "hey you were on your best behavior before I moved in and now that you've got me your true colors are coming out." She just looked at me and said "Damn right". Well bitch, there's no ring on your finger and the only thing making it difficult to leave is that I live here. But all I did was pay rent directly to her. I wasn't locked into a mortgage or lease.
Now I was still in touch with the fat chick via email even though she was hundreds of miles away. I liked emailing with her because she made me feel good about myself.
One Sunday afternoon I had my work laptop open catching up on some shit and Titty Monster told me I needed to mow the lawn. Fine, I left my work laptop open and went outside to mow the lawn. Jut a couple of minutes later she slams the door and locks me out. She then proceeds to go through my work emails and discovers my fat chick correspondence.
Titty Monster opens the door practically hysterical saying that she read the email where I said I'd rather cuddle with our two dogs then her. Well that's how felt. We had two dogs that I liked and I was rapidly getting over Titty Monster.
So I say, "well I'm sure you've said some things about me I wouldn't like." This actually calmed her down slightly. But the scene was not good and she split to her mother's house which was nearby. Strangely I was very calm about this. I called a friend and told him I needed to call in a solid and move in with him for a bit as the jig was up. He was cool with it. This was the same dude as before who was divorced and going through women like a fat dude at a hot dog eating contest.
I rented a u-haul the next day, took off work and was out. If you're in a relationship that you don't want to be in let me tell you right now, if there's no kids that shit can be over quick.Things blew up on Sunday afternoon and by Monday evening my life was reset. I threw some shit in storage and crashed on this dudes sofa for a while.
So a year later I'm living alone and back to Match. I took some time off from dating, got my head together, spent some time in therapy really thinking about what I wanted from a woman and was ready. I was dating this young hottie who was not age appropriate who had a rack. You may have figured out by now that big titties are my thing. I started chatting up a woman who was slightly older than me, looked cute but not hot and did not appear to have tits exceeding a large B. We started emailing and it was immediately apparent that she was awesome. Funny, wicked smart, kind, great values, she was perfect on email.
I met up with her, had a drink and despite the discrepancy in physical attractiveness with the the young piece I was already dating the young pair of tits had to go as my now wife of 10 years needed to be my focus.
This woman was attractive but not hot and not even my type physically. I fell deeply in love with her quickly and that has only grown and gotten better. We'll call her W. So for two years I quit strip clubs. I just couldn't do it. While I was dating W I hooked up with this one amazing pair of titties at a SC early on. I pulled an epic LDK and as I was walking out I realized, "this is bullshit I can't do this anymore." Interestingly enough, I never felt this way with fat chick or Titty Monster.
I fell all in love and got all idealistic. I stopped clubbing, I stopped eating meat and I went from being a high functioning person to a low one fast. I dropped at least 30 lbs of muscle mass, I went from being a high performer at work to being on thin ice. I couldn't control my emotions anymore. What was happening?
Well when you reduce the amount of time you go to the gym and replace steak with spinach its easy to figure out where the dramatic muscle loss comes from. But that was not all that was happening.
It turns out that being around beautiful naked women is good for you. Specifically it reduces cortisol (stress) and increases oxytocin (feel good) and testosterone (strength). So I started going to SCs again behind W's back. And guess what? I was a good worker again and got a lot of that muscle back.
W met many of my needs and certainly made me cum regularly but it didn’t meet my need for young beautiful women. I began using strip clubs like a health supplement. It made me bigger, stronger and far more stable. Now I’ve spent a tremendous amount of time thinking about this, researching it and discussing it. But for this installment I’ll reserve further analysis of the health of using strip clubs like vitamins for later. In my next installment I'll likely get into SC theories as well as marriage theories in some detail.
For years I went to the SC regularly without W knowing. W's modest physical beauty faded although she stayed in shape. I fucked her hard and often with images of big boobies (that were not W's) dancing around in my head. The fact that I was only marginally attracted to her really didn't matter. No one has ever mattered more to me than W. I started really appreciating that a pair of tits is just a pair of tits and a person you can happily spend your life with is infinitely more valuable. The distinction between wife and whore was clear in my head and it made good sense.
Then I made what at the time looked like a bad career move and I started questioning myself. I started questioning myself deeply and that led to questioning my SC habit. Guilt welled up in me and fucked with me hard. "what kind of asshole betrays his wife" I thought. "I'm a sex addict and an alcoholic" I thought. one day in particular, I had to get out of the office and take a walk, "everyone involved in the decision to take this new job is fired. I'm fired, W is fired, my parents are fired. We're all fucking fired" I thought to myself walking on the sidewalk of a corporate park.
Then I started thinking, maybe the poor decision was the result of poor communication. Maybe W didn't really know me. Maybe if I had told her about strippers she would have known me better and helped me make a better decision. I started feeling like a criminal. I had this secret no one knew about. For years I went to the SCs without telling anyone.
For a long time my SC habit felt like no big deal. All of the sudden it felt like I was the most terrible sinner ever to walk the earth. Guilt is a horrible feeling. All that shit worked out well. But not without a lot of suffering first. I'll let you know how it went in the next installment. If you're curious about my current feelings on SCs and don't want to wait until the next installment read my reviews.
Meditations of a Married Man II
February 22, 2019March 12, 2019 (Assmanjoe)