One Night (and Day) in Bangkok

So there I was… It was the late 1980s and probably about 1 or 2 AM in Patpong. I was at that very familiar point of the night when I ask myself “How much whiskey is enough?” The answer was always the same, “One more!” Patpong was then still one of Bangkok’s premier tourist red light entertainment districts so finding a drink and late night company for an experienced drunken monger like myself was not a challenge. Finding somewhere new and interesting for an intrepid soul like myself was a different story. Fortunately, or unfortunately as the case turned out to be, a very attractive young lady used her charms to lure me into a private club with no signage at all. In fact it was up three flights of dimly lit stairs and against my better judgment I followed her like the horny hound dog that I was. When we reached the top and stepped into a surprisingly small bar area I took a seat at a table while my eyes adjusted. My prey asked what I wanted to drink – Mekong Soda – and then went toward the small bar. Foolishly I expected her to come back and join me but much to my chagrin an older rather unattractive woman sat down at my table and asked for a drink. Shit! The old bait and switch but it quickly got much worse. As I looked around the room at the dozen or so people there it became apparent that I was the only “customer” in a clip joint fake club and all eyes were on me. Realizing that it was I who was the prey I told my table companion I wasn’t buying her any drink and got up to leave. I was immediately confronted by a group of Thai thugs who wanted me to settle up my bill. They gave me a quote for the drink that I never received as well as for the lady’s drink that I never bought. It was a shockingly high amount somewhere around $100 as I recall that I disputed right up until one of the gentlemen showed me his knife. Not comfortable with my situation or the odds I paid up. Three of the gentlemen, including knife guy, then escorted me down the stairs to the street below. For better or worse knife guy stopped at the second landing while the other two continued down to the street level with me. Now I knew better than to do what I was about to do next. I’d seen many over the hill 130 pound Thai kickboxers in Pattaya beat the shit out of a lot of US Marines on shore leave that bravely climbed into the ring for a three round match. They rarely made it past round one. Well no guts no glory so as soon as I hit the doorway to the street I knocked one of my escorts to the ground and then pulled the second guy into the street with me. Almost immediately there were two policemen charging toward us. That may sound like a good thing but being a foreigner in an often corrupt country the odds were not on my side. Much to my relief I suddenly saw two more policemen clearly wearing “Tourist Police” armbands. That meant they spoke English. I didn’t give them a chance to take charge and yelled that I had just been robbed telling them to follow me as I ran back up the stairs with four policemen in pursuit. At the top, the people in the fake club all looked like deer in the headlights with nowhere to run. Nobody knew anything while I was loudly demanding my money back. An old lady eventually came forward and returned my money. The policemen and I descended to the street where I thanked them and decided to call it a night. On the Tuk-Tuk ride back to my hotel I reflected on the incident. It wasn’t liquid courage but probably youthful testosterone that was responsible for my questionable decisions. While I did not get the shit kicked out of me or stabbed to death by Thai criminals or get the shit kicked out of me and thrown in jail by His Majesty’s police, I decided it hadn’t been a good night and that I should be more careful. I went to bed alone vowing to stay out of trouble from then on. Waking up late the next morning with my vow still fresh in my mind I decided to play it safe and just go to my then go-to daytime bar. I was staying at the Nana Hotel and my club was the Hog’s Breath across the street in the Nana Plaza. The Nana Plaza has been around forever and I’ve seen it’s character change a number of times over the years. This was the late 80’s and at that time it was a sad third tier location with no neon but lots of small clubs. For me it was a daytime locale in that the open air bars on the ground level opened for business at about 8 AM and most of the other indoor bars were open by maybe 11 or 12 noon. The Hog’s Breath was my favorite for a number of reasons but mostly for the fact that the owner would often times show first run movies during the day. This was a time when the internet did not yet exist and satellite TV was expensive and mostly limited to CNN International. So a fresh newspaper less than 2 days old and pirated laser disc movies were a real treat. The owner of the bar got both regularly from international flight crews on an almost daily basis. I went in and sat at the bar like I owned the place. I was the sole customer except for about seven guys sitting at a table covered in beer bottles in the far back corner. Based on their haircuts, accents and comments there wasn’t any question but that they were U.S. soldiers. The owner was sitting in his usual seat near the door and the three young bar girls were flittering about. I knew the girls well having bedded each of them at one time or another but our relationship was mostly just friendly. They knew I would easily spend money on them and they also knew why I was there. I ordered a beer and gave one of the girls a fist full of money to go out for food. This was my regular routine and the girls would basically bring back a huge banquet of street food that we would all share at the bar while I watched the latest movie. Once the food arrived we all settled in for the feature presentation. The owner loaded up the latest laser disc and turned on the TV mounted above and behind the bar. I had a girl sitting on each side of me while the third was behind or more accurately sitting on the bar itself. All three were gorging themselves as Thais are prone to do. Simply amazing how much food a 80 pound Thai girl can put away. In between bites they would hand feed me some of each delicacy as if I were some sort of demi-god. I very much enjoyed myself whenever I came here. About 10 – 15 minutes into the movie the group of soldiers departed the bar. It wasn’t for another 5 minutes or so until I felt that something didn’t seem quite right. I glanced around and saw a single soldier still sitting in the corner. He was huge with a scowl on his face and looking directly at me. The first thought that jumped into my mind was that he wanted one of these girls. Now I didn’t come here for the girls so it wasn’t even a question about “sharing” them with him but these girls all had a mind of their own. At first I suggested to one girl that she should go and check on him to see if he needed another beer or something. She looked over at him and said “No, he’s alright”. I thought to myself that this girl wasn’t helping to alleviate my concerns at all. Initially I tried to ignore his glare but I could feel this guy’s eyes burning a hole in the back of my head. Again I tried to get any of the girls to go over and entertain him but again they all acted like brats. They were not at all discreet about it either. One made a rather rude gesture as if to say “Fuck him”. Shit! You girls are going to get me killed. Eventually my bladder betrayed me and I had to walk past the guy to go take a piss. He never took his eyes off me as I passed by. Once back at the bar I made one last futile attempt to get the girls to come to my aid in my time of need. I really didn’t want to get into a fight and based on the size of the guy I was pretty sure I would come out on the losing end. All three girls flat out refused to go over to see what he wanted. At last the movie came to an end but when I looked around for the owner to turn off the TV he was nowhere to be seen. Shit! I suddenly had a bad feeling and turned to see this soldier (did I mention he was huge) stand up and come toward me. And then he was suddenly pleading with me like a lost child. He asked if I was an American and could I please help him. It turned out the his buddies had skipped out leaving him with the bill to pay but he had no money. He swore up and down that if I would give him my name and address he would pay me back when he got home. I was so relieved that he wasn’t beating me to a bloody pulp and so amused that I had so mis-judged the situation that I gladly paid his bill, told him to forget about it and even gave him a little bit of pocket money so that he wouldn’t have to walk back to his hotel in the heat of the day. Sometimes everything can seem to be out of sync and until the universe can right itself the best thing to do is to just go back to bed. That’s what I decided to do so I asked my three nymphs which one wanted to come with me. The three began a very animated discussion among themselves, none of which I understood, and after about 30 seconds one of them stepped forward. I don’t know whether she was the winner or the loser. As she went to gather her stuff I paid my bill and then we walked out the door, down the stairs, across the street to my hotel and went up to my room. We stayed there safe and sound until the next morning when I felt ready for yet another adventure.